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Page 2: A satirical look at the ATP and WTA tours, where comedy abounds and anything goes. Home of the Grandstand’s famous Facebook chats, and more.


Isner, Azarenka make $100,000 bet on Panthers vs. Broncos Super Bowl

SAN FRANCISCO (1/28/16) — Pinnacle Sports has suspended betting on Super Bowl 50 between the Carolina Panthers and Denver Broncos after learning that tennis stars John Isner and Victoria Azarenka placed a $100,000 bet on the game, with Isner taking Carolina and Azarenka on Denver’s side. Despite the fact that the Broncos are getting six points at most sportsbooks, a supremely-confident Azarenka made the wager straight up.

“I don’t need the points,” TMZ quoted Azarenka as saying. “Broncos are amazing. Also I heard David Marrero offered Cam Newton $5 million to fix the game, so Cam will probably do it.”
Vika

Pinnacle CEO Daniel Koellerer explained the decision to suspend betting, saying, “There is no way anyone on Earth could be dumb enough to take Denver straight up without the points. Something fishy must be going on.”

But a number of fellow athletes, including several other tennis players, got their bets in before Pinnacle’s suspension. Benoit Paire said he put $25,000 on the Panthers.

“The Broncos are not good players,” the Frenchman commented. “But the Patriots were very bad last weekend, so they lost. That’s it.”

Bernard Tomic dropped $750,000 on Carolina. “The Broncos are far away from the Panthers,” he explained. “If Manning wants to say the Patriots are very far away from them, I also believe my prediction that the Broncos are nowhere near the Panthers’ level of football right now.”

Fernando Verdasco did not want to make a prediction on the final score or the winner, but he told TMZ that he was “pretty darn sure” that Denver would be winning after the first quarter.

Isner was at Donald Trump’s fundraiser for veterans on Thursday night and could not be immediately reached for comment.

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Federer wins 2016 Stefan Edberg Sportsmanship Award in November of 2015

LONDON (11/12/15) — The Association of (very biased) Tennis Professionals announced on Wednesday that Roger Federer has won the 2016 Stefan Edberg Sportsmanship Award.

No, you have not time traveled. Wednesday was, in fact, November 11, 2015.

Nonetheless, Federer bagged the honor for the 12th time in his career and for the sixth time in a row.

It likely would have been a 13th consecutive win for Federer if not for glitch on the electronic voting ballot in 2010, when “Roger-Vasselin” appeared as one of the candidates instead of “Roger Federer.” The ATP declined to conduct an investigation but immediately convicted eventual winner Rafael Nadal of hacking into the system and altering the names. Nadal avoided a suspension but was ordered to be on the opposite side from Federer in every draw except at any fast indoor hard-court tournament for the remainder of their careers.

“We are exceedingly proud to honor Roger with the 2016 Stefan Edberg Sportsmanship Award,” the ATP said in a statement. “We feel that now is the time at which we can safely say Roger’s sportsmanship–not to mention everything else about him–will be second to none next year. After all, he is physically incapable of doing any wrong. When he cried at the Australian Open trophy ceremony to overshadow Rafael Nadal’s triumph, he collected his tears in a shot glass and used them to save lives of children dying of thirst in third-world countries. When he smashed his racket against Novak Djokovic in Miami, he did it in a graceful manner. When he told Jake Garner to shut up at the U.S. Open, he did so in a loving tone of voice. As such, we can go ahead and bestow the 2016 honor upon him with no reservations.”
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When asked if he was surprised to have won the 2016 award before 2016 has even begun, Federer responded, “No.”

Pressed with additional questions, Federer continued, “It’s pleasing, yes. It’s a testament to the greatness with which I have been able to conduct myself for such an incredibly long time. But to be honest I am quite surprised that I haven’t won the 2017 award yet.”

Tim Smyczek, who was also in the running for the Sportsmanship Award in 2015, offered the ATP a second chance to go through its voting process in an attempt to be more fair, but the ATP declined.


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Thiem’s season ends with “mega disappointing” loss to Anderson

PARIS (11/4/15) — Dominic Thiem squandered a set and a break lead and failed to convert one match point in a 6-7(3), 7-6(4), 7-6(5) loss to Kevin Anderson in round two of the BNP Paribas Masters on Wednesday.

The setback ended Thiem’s 2015 campaign, giving him plenty of time to begin his offseason with the only thing he likes doing more than playing tennis: blogging on his Facebook page.

“It was mega disappointing,” Thiem wrote. “I had a mega lead with a set and a break and a mega chance to win when I had match point in the second. Then mega collapse. The first set was mega because it went to a tiebreaker. The second set was mega also. Third set mega as well. The final tiebreaker was mega mega, but I lost it 7-5. Mega choke to end the season. #Lost #ByeParis #Good #Luck #Kevin #SeasonOver #VacationTimeWithGulbis #DontWorkMeTooHardGunther #Bring #On #2016.”

“Damn you,” former player Potito Starace commented on Thiem’s wall. “Damnit! Damn you! Damn it all! All I needed was one more point from your sorry ass to complete my seven-team parlay!”

Most players, however, voiced support for Thiem.

“It really wasn’t that big of a choke,” said Viktor Troicki.

“You were never ahead by that much,” added Gael Monfils. “One break isn’t a lot.”

“There’s no shame in melting down in final-set tiebreakers,” Ivo Karlovic explained. “It happens to the best of us.”

“I was especially impressed by your double-fault at 4-5, 30-30 in the third set,” Fernando Verdasco noted. “I mean it came within a few inches of going over the net. Almost not double-faulting on that big of a point is doing a very good job mentally.”

Coach Gunther Bresnik was not as forgiving.

“God, it was like I was watching Ernests out there. Flubbing up a match that bad…I could believe it if it was Ernests. But not Dominic. I thought I had at least one decent player in my camp. But maybe not. Hopefully Del Potro will hire me for 2016.”

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Monfils calls season-ending loss to Paire a “huge success”

PARIS (11/2/15) — Gael Monfils’ 2015 campaign came to an end on Monday with a 2-6, 7-6(7), 6-4 loss to Benoit Paire in round one of the BNP Paribas Masters. Monfils led by a set and 4-0 before collapsing and eventually going down after two hours and three minutes.

Despite the meltdown, Monfils was extremely upbeat afterward.

“It was a huge success,” the Frenchman assured. “I had several jumping overheads, went sprawling on the ground a few times, and got the crowd totally on my side.

“I mean, they were booing Benoit during the second set. After that, there was no point in continuing to try. It was kind of like my 2014 U.S. Open match with (John) Isner, when the crowd started rooting for me and giving me standing ovations on just about every point in the fourth set. So I lost in four because there was no need to continue. Once you win the crowd, you win. Nothing else.”

With the first-round loss, Monfils is guaranteed to finish the season outside the top 20.

“That was definitely on my mind,” the former world No. 7 assured. “Last year I finished in the top 20 and people started taking me too seriously as an actual tennis player as opposed to what I am–an entertainer. Hopefully being outside the top 20 restores my reputation.”

As for Paire, the win has him projected to finish in the top 20–pending the Paris results of several challengers right behind him. But he has no plans to progress further in the tournament.

“I’m a bit disappointed that I won because my vacation in Santorini was supposed to start on Tuesday,” the Frenchman explained. “But a couple of fans tweeted at me during the 4-1 changeover in the second set and offered me a bunch of money to come back and win so that they wouldn’t have to witness another 71-ball rally between Monfils and Simon tomorrow night. So luckily I checked my phone.”

Paire, who added that his only remaining goals this season are “to not play against Bautista Agut in Paris” and “for Stan to win the World Tour Finals,” will face Simon during second-round action on Tuesday.

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Kournikova, Trump weigh in on Kyrgios vs. Wawrinka controversy

MONTREAL (8/13/15) — Nick Kyrgios has been roasted over an open fire with more vigor than chestnuts at Christmas after his remarks directed at Stan Wawrinka during their second-round match at the Rogers Cup on Wednesday night in Montreal.

And why not? Kyrgios first blasted Wawrinka for “banging an 18-year-old” then told the 30-year-old Swiss, “Kokkinakis banged your girlfriend.” Criticism came in hot and heavy right away.

But former women’s tennis star (or starlet) Anna Kournikova had a different take on the matter: gratitude.

“We should actually be thanking Kyrgios,” Kournikova said via a statement she issued through her reps while vacationing with husband Enrique Iglesias on the Greek island of Santorini. “He actually shut Justin Gimelstob up for a whole two minutes.”

If nothing else, Kournikova at least had her facts straight. Gimelstob did, in fact, remain silent for two minutes. After Brett Haber said “It’s getting personal,” neither man spoke for exactly one minute and 34 seconds.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtg6yXMVwSY]

“It was of sheer bliss for two minutes,” Martina Navratilova agreed. “I knew Gimelstob could not get any worse after he started acting like some sort of barbarian primate when Isner beat Pospisil. Fortunately he got much better–by doing and saying nothing at all.”

Gimelstob watching Isner:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLxRETQ8UHo]

“Now Stakhovsky can see why I prefer the female sex,” Navratilova concluded.

Perhaps an even more off-the-wall reaction to the Kyrgios-Wawrnika incident came from none other than Republic presidential candidate Donald Trump.

“I definitely feel it’s inappropriate for a 30-year-old man to be banging someone so close to him in age,” Trump explained. “Obviously a girl or 12 to 14 years old or so would be more up a traditional 30-year-old’s alley. As far as I can tell, though, there may not be 12 to 14-year-olds in professional tennis for Stan to bang. Or, hey, maybe he just likes older women.

“Either way, it’s nothing for Nicholas to get upset about. Girls in his playing field have not yet been born.”

 

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Gulbis mistakes Thiem for Federer throughout first-round win at Rogers Cup

MONTREAL (8/11/15) — It happens so infrequently these days that tennis fans struggle to understand whenever Ernests Gulbis wins a tennis match. But the explanation was an easy one for Gulbis himself after the Latvian upset Dominic Thiem 3-6, 7-6(8), 6-1 in the first round of the Rogers Cup on Tuesday.

Mistaken identity.

That’s right. According to Gulbis, it was not until the post-match handshake that he realized he was not playing Roger Federer.

“I thought Federer decided to go back to his blond-haired teenage years,” Gulbis commented. “I mean, he hasn’t won a slam since something like 2004 so it would only make sense for him to try to change things up to get his mojo back. I don’t look at draws because it never really matters who I play against. I can just as easily beat No. 1 in the world as I can lose to the No. 1,072. I mean, I once lost to Martin Fucsovics. So I didn’t check who I was playing and I just assumed it was Federer when I saw him.
Fed
“Plus the one-handed backhand, the good serve and forehand, the complete meltdown in a final set. It all seemed like Federer. I became a little suspicious when my opponent actually converted a break point in the first set, but I didn’t think too much of it at the time.”

A warm handshake ensued between the two good friends after Gulbis’ first-ever win over Thiem in the main draw of an ATP event.

“When he smiled as we approached the net, that’s when I knew it wasn’t Federer,” Gulbis explained. “He only smiles when he loses to Rafa because he’s just glad the match is over.”
Handshake
“It’s unlucky for me because I probably would have won if he knew he was playing me,” Thiem lamented. “But it’s okay, I don’t mind losing to Ernests. He’s a great guy. He’s taught me a lot the last few years; where the best strip clubs are, which players sell weed the cheapest…. Really important things like that.”

Gulbis agreed. “I’m sure I would’ve lost 6-0, 6-0 if I’d known it was Dominic,” Gulbis laughed. “No chance. But I always do well against Federer. I’ve beaten him twice and I should have won easily the three other times.”

Next up for the 2014 French Open semifinalist is Lukas Rosol, who is dominating the head-to-head series 2-0 at the ATP level and 5-0 in total sets.

“I’ll just pretend I’m playing Berdych,” Gulbis said.

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Sijsling fined €12,000 for tanking first-round match at French Open

PARIS (5/24/15) — The International Tennis Federation’s Grand Slam Committee fined Igor Sijsling €12,000 for tanking his first-round match at the French Open on Sunday. Sijsling lost 6-4, 6-4, 7-6(3) to Ernests Gulbis, who was previously 2-12 this season.

“I did not see any of it,” said a committee spokesman who asked to remain anonymous, “but it’s pretty obvious any loss to Gulbis these days involves tanking. The guy has barely won a match in 2015. He lost to Benoit Paire. He also lost 6-1, 6-0 to Andreas Haider-Maurer, whom I’ve never even heard of. Sijsling tanked. Period. He did not even win a set for crying out loud.”

The Grand Slam Committee initially fined Sijsling €24,000 (or all of his first-round prize money), but the number was reduced when the committee realized it likely has a significant amount of funds coming its way with Paire, Fabio Fognini, and Bernard Tomic all on Monday’s schedule.

Among other results on Sunday was Roger Federer’s 6-3, 6-3, 6-4 beatdown of Alejandro Falla.

“The support I got from the French crowd today was awesome,” Federer commented. “I don’t mean in my match. After all, my performance was so flawless that the match was over before most of the fans even arrived. But in the Gulbis match. It was nice to see how much they hate him still for beating me here last year. I mean, they booed him off the court. So that was nice to see.”

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Nadal requesting to use deflated tennis balls for French Open

PARIS (5/21/15) — Rafael Nadal announced on Thursday that he is requesting to use deflated tennis balls for all of his matches at the upcoming French Open. Nadal had manager Carlos Costa deflate balls by one PSI for his practice session on Wednesday, and the seventh-ranked Spaniard approved of the results.

“It has not been possible for me to hit a shot in the court since last year’s French Open really,” said Nadal. “Is the true, no? Nowhere near the court, actually. Every time I hit the forehand the ball flies to the back wall, no? If I use the balls that the 10-and-under tennis uses, I think I will have chance to hit more balls in the court, no?”

After hearing of Nadal’s request, the ATP sent independent investigator Carlos Bernardes to the nine-time French Open champion’s Thursday practice.

The subsequent Bernades Report found that it was “more than probable” that Nadal was using deflated tennis balls during the practice. The Bernardes Report also found that Nadal “was unable to hit any of the deflated balls over the net,” primarily because he was “playing 15 meters behind the baseline like a Spaniard” and “could not get enough distance on the PSI-deficient yellow spheroids” in order to achieve successful net clearance.

After studying the 243-page Bernardes Report, the ATP ruled that Nadal–for his own good–will be banned from using deflated tennis balls in Paris under almost all conditions. It added one caveat. Nadal will have a choice going into each one of his matches: he can play with deflated tennis balls, but only if Bernardes is the chair umpire.

“Against me it won’t matter what kind of tennis ball Rafa uses,” fellow ATP player Fabio Fognini said on his Twitter account.

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16 Comments on Page 2

  1. Ricky, we’ll see who will be laughing when (not if) Rafa hoists his 10th Coupe des Mousquetaires on Sunday 7th June 2015……………

  2. That was great. Especially the Tomic and Verdasco ones. Haha winning after the first quarter #verdasco and of course the Tomic bit lol.

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